Category: Positive Practices

Here you’d find positive practices in child rearing and education.

  • Make Space for Happiness

    ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ Write your injuries in dust, your benefits in marble. ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── Benjamin Franklin

    🧠The above quote contains a wealth of wisdom and the essence of strength-focused positive psychology.

    ๋࣭⭑Before I discuss the above aphorism, I’d like to draw your attention to a piece of information related to neuroscience. In 2005, the National Science Foundation published an article regarding research about human thoughts per day. The average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those 95% are exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before and about 80% are negative. (Source: 22 Facts About the Brain By Julia Burket)

    ๋࣭⭑Two points need highlighting.⭑One, most of our thoughts are repetitive. ⭑⭑Two, most of our thoughts are negative. So, choosing happiness would mean a mindshift and being aware of our thoughts. In the light of the above facts the advice that Franklin offers holds significant merit. Let’s analyse what advice does this aphorism offer.

    ๋࣭⭑The first part suggests ✦ ‘Write the injuries in dust.’── .✦ What will happen if we do so? The sand of time would heal our wounds. Just as no mark, however deep, made on the sand stays there for long, our wounds will also heal soon if we let them. The past can only hurt as much as we let it. And we let it by not making a conscious effort to stop our repetitive thoughts about the painful past. If we don’t cling to our hurtful experiences and  let go of hurt, it can be easily erased like writing in dust. The basic idea is that we should not allow grudges or offenses be permanently stored in your mind or heart. 🌿

    ๋࣭⭑Write ✦Your benefits in marble ── .✦This part of the quote encourages us to remember the kindnesses, blessings, and good deeds we receive and cherish eternally. We should treasure good things. We should dwell on the happy experiences a little more, a little longer. The memory of positive events creates positive emotions that’s why those memories should be permanent like etching on marble.

    ๋࣭⭑How do we write our benefits in marble? Positive psychology answers. Practice gratitude. This would redirect our repetitive thoughts in the positive direction. To quote Martin Seligman ✦Happy people remember more good events than actually happened, and they forget more of the bad events. Depressed people, in contrast, are accurate about both── .✦ If we hold on to the good things in life, remember them often and treasure happy memories forever, it would be ike a benefit etched in marble which cannot be erased. 🍃

    ๋࣭⭑Do you see, that the quote above so completely aligns with the core ideas of rather modern positive psychology.ᐟ.ᐟ It was actually written in 18th C .ᐟ.ᐟ The point I’m trying to make is that positive psychology existed even before it came recognised as a subfield of psychology (1998)！ Psychology itself became its own discipline only in late 19th C when the first psychology laboratory was opened in Germany！And it shouldn’t surprise us as gravity existed even before Newton gave it a name and the theory that Gravity is the force by which earth or other planets attract objects. 💡

    ✱About Benjamin Franklin to whom the quote belongs. He is known as one of the founding fathers of the United States of America, lived in 18th C. He was a writer, inventor, stateman, publisher and a philosopher. He wielded great influence on American psyche at the time when social influencer were not known.

    🎤Over to you. Share your thoughts in the comments below!

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  • The Power of Praise

    Praise is a skill, not just a spontaneous utterance. It is a powerful tool in the hands of those who are responsible for children’s education and upbringing. Like all powerful tools it has to be used carefully and mindfully.

    Children instinctively respond to praise. Much before their language develops they recognize praise in your smile and in your eyes. And when they sense your approval and appreciation they repeat the same act again and again. Just to please you. The right praise, offered at the right moment and in the right manner can work wonders.

    I think BF Skinner did a great service to mankind by propounding Learning by Conditioning and its key concept of reinforcement. Through his experiments he showed that behaviours followed by a reward are more likely to be repeated. And praise is one such reward. A child can be rewarded in other ways too, with a gift, with a treat, but immediate praise is the most handy and effective award. If used skilfully, this tool can mould the child the way you want and you’ll find that gradually your nagging is also tailing off. So, it’s like getting double benefit, getting two-for-one. ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’ is old school. The proverbial rod can be done away with. Punishment doesn’t bring any lasting change, instead it causes anger and hostility. Well, our focus here is not the rod, but praise and how it can be used bring desired changes in the child behaviour. Yes, Change is possible!

    Which compliments would motivate the child and reinforce the desirable behaviour?

    Here’s my manual on how to pack more power to praise –

    ✦︎What to praise?

    Praise the behaviour you want to reinforce. Let’s say, you want the child to keep her things properly, or to be polite and helping to her friends in the class or to be ready on time for school. Depending on the age and developmental stage of the child, identify the behaviour you want the child to repeat.

    Talk to the child about the importance of a good habit/behaviour you want her to acquire. Talk, connect without being after the child about the same thing all the time, nor expect complete compliance or perfect behaviour immediately. For the sake of peace you can ignore the undesired behaviour once in a while, but don’t ignore it when the child takes even a tiny step in the right direction, that’s your opportunity, seize it. Small efforts bring big change. This is positive psychology. This is positive parenting. Be alert, catch these small steps, these small moments, and let the child know that her efforts are recognised and appreciated, ‘Today you got ready earlier than yesterday, next time try to get ready by…’ ‘I really like you are trying to be on time’ ‘your table/shelf looks tidy today. Thanks for organising it so well.’ ‘You let your friend play with your ball. That’s good.’ The smallest progress should be made a news for the child and other family members or for the class. As I often say ‘News of the difference makes a difference.’ Not just verbally, offer nonverbal praise too, smile, hug, touch, gentle look would give more power to your words.

    ✦︎When to praise?

    As soon as you notice improved behaviour or as soon as possible. Delayed praise brings diminished returns. Sometimes for practical reasons you cannot offer praise immediately which shouldn’t be a cause of concern, take it easy. Parenting is not about perfection. You can even convey through someone else if that is possible. That also works well. Child would feel motivated when someone at home will tell her ‘Pa is pleased that you learnt your lesson all by yourself.’

    I recall an incident. On one occasion my colleague conveyed my genuine praise to my 12th grade student who had lately started taking more interest in studies. While she was taking my proxy she told him ‘Renu ma’am was very happy with your work. She told me you have acquired a good understanding of the concepts and you express yourself beautifully.’ Need I tell you this communication boosted that student’s self-esteem forever and he started participating in my class more actively. It was so thoughtful my friend to communicate my genuine praise to the right person. And praise works for all children irespective of their age. It will make lasting changes in the behaviour.

    ✦︎How to praise?

    Don’t wait for the perfect result. Don’t keep telling ‘Not good enough, try harder.’ It’s so demotivating. One statement can put the child off the track. Instead say, ‘You’re trying really hard, you’ll get there. This is how we all learn.’ Focus on effort, outcome can wait. Doesn’t The Bhagwat Gita also teach the same thing? Focus on your actions and not on the result of your actions.

    •Again praise actions, behaviour, not the personality. Say ‘I like that you always talk to your elders with respect’ and not ‘you are a nice girl’ ‘you are a genius’ etc.

    •The more specific the praise, the more effective it will be in reinforcing the desired behaviour.

    •Let non verbal praise complement your words of praise.

    ✦︎How much praise is good and how much is too much?

    If your praise is genuine and sincere, it can’t possibly be too much. It would be just right. According to Alan Kazdin, a Yale professor and Director of Yale Parenting Centre ‘You might be concerned about praise spoiling the child. But both research and clinical experience suggests this is not really an issue.’ He further adds that we are not likely to praise too much because of our negativity bias which means our tendency to look for what is wrong.

    🚦A word of caution here:

    Heaping the child with compliments for nothing particular will do more harm than good. Also, use praise for reinforcement, not for coaxing and manipulation.

    Thus, praise is a skill and a very crucial one for parents and educators to acquire in order to modify children’s behaviour and inculcate growth mindset in them. Developing this skill involves continuous practice and refinement.

    🗪 I’d love to know what’s your take on this subject? Leave your thoughts in the comment box.

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